I was not happy. I had not been happy for the longest time.I was the type of sad that dreaded life.
I was growing into a bleak shadow of my self. My self drive was Kaput.
I could not stand my days, they were characterised by a total lack of will to do anything and my nights weren’t any happier, insomnia plagued me ever so much. It did not make sense, and hail even I did not do anything to help it make sense. I felt like I was in the longest “battery low” kinda situation.
My spirit felt thinned out, used and abused.
I am a giver.
I give my time, my resources and my energy to people effortlessly and willingly. More often than not,I never notice just how deep it is. My mother (The Sweets) was reminding me the other day of just how kind a child I was. When I was in primary school, my mum used to pack me a nice, healthy hearty delicious lunch. But every time I’d get home, and she’s want to clean up my lunchbox, she’s find all his little leftover pieces of boiled white rice, and it would always baffle her because this would happened even when she’s packed my favourite sandwiches. So one time she got really tired of it and asked me what happens to my food, my response was that i felt bad that some of my close friends could only afford boiled white rice so I gave them my food, because I could always have the good food at home.
I am a lover.
I give my heart and soul to those that love and appreciate me. I am one of those bila breaks types. You know, the type that love you totally and completely with no inhibitions, no restrictions no holding back. This is usually all well and good until someone takes me for granted and then i break down into these little pieces that take what seems to be eternity to put together. And guess what I do right after… I love some more.
I was not brought up selfish, I do not know how to be selfish.
Thing is, it is all a bed of roses until someone takes advantage of you and if this happens long enough, it drains you. First it hurts then the hurt etches itself into your heart and becomes just another one of those things that you become. Then it eats at you like a maggot devours a dead rotting body. I should know, I have gone through this one too many times, with friends who turn into foes and boyfriends that crushed you. You know, the whole homestretch.
So there I was, sad, mechanical and hopeless. A shell of what I used to be. Watching life pass me by, day in, day out with no real purpose, no real need to pick myself up.
Until I watched this a few years back
I know… catchy title. “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do”…
I am no longer that sad soul.
I am still a giver, still a lover, but now I choose who to give my f*cks to more meticulously.
I surround myself with people who understand my value as I do theirs and would like to see me happy, as I would them. It took me quite a while to realise not everyone deserves you.
My tribe, consists first of myself before it does of any body else.
It took evaluation and re-evaluation of my time, my money, my resources, my relationships, a process that’s always ongoing. I have learnt how to say no without feeling guilty. How to voice my concerns where I otherwise would have never even spoken.
I have learnt to stop spending time I don’t have with people I don’t like doing things I don’t want to do.
And I am ever so grateful for it. I have learnt how to pick, choose and filter those who are mine, my tribe, my friends.
We respect, value, protect, look out for and love each other.
We understand priorities, boundaries, life.
We take time to build each other, correct each other.
I am happy now.
Who are you giving your f*cks to? Are they worth it