I have been going through a rough patch. Not a patch really, patches are small. A really hard time.
It’s the human experience really. Every once in a while, just for control, you have to hit rock bottom. When nothing makes sense and all possible plans to get you out of said bottom just keep on getting messed up. You know, when there’s more tunnel than you think is fair and the light at the end of it seems elusive.
A close friend of mine, recently suggested that I pray. You should have heard all the alarms in my head go crazy. There was a siren party in there. PRAY!! What’s funny is I am actually a leader in my CLG- Community Life Group. Really fancy talk for small church group who you worship and fellowship with. Now I refused this leadership position but the humans in the little group would have none of it. (I thank them for this, it made me not bail, and put a smile on Sweet’s face.)
Sometimes I wonder if they realise that I am least Christian amongst them. They are amazing people really, each with a heart of gold and an unwavering zest for life. I just really don’t know why they picked me… I digress
Anyway, so my close friend, we’ll call him Doctor (because he has issues with me socially referring to him by his formal title and I’m just stubborn, actually, no I’m obstinate) asked me to pray and I rebelled against it because I have all these unfinished battles that plague my soul. I am convinced that this God I am to pray to is biased (which, by the way, he is “I will bless those who bless you and curse those who curse you), I have unanswered questions about said Deity too: for example, if Adam and Eve were created by God, it also means that gender and all its discrepancies were created by God, therefore, who made God am male for us to refer to God as Him.
But, in all honesty, the being I am definitely angry with, is myself. Before we go any further, it is possible to to mad at more than one thing.
I promised Doctor that I would try speak to this God, and I also mentioned that I am mad at God, so there would be anger and shouting -in true Angie fashion, there was. I made noise, I cried, I laughed, both honestly and sarcastically.
See, I am different. My methods of doing things will more often than not fall out of the scope of regular human experiences. How I worship the Deity will always be different. I say this because, while God and I were having our chat, Mamita (another close friend) was in the house and she was just giving me eyes. We all communicate differently, I speak, others get on their knees and pray etc.
And after the discussion, I realised, the being I am angry with, is ultimately myself. And quite frankly, the Deity is angry at me too.
I have very talented hands. I can draw, I write poetry, I cook really well- baking too, I am can craft my way into most things, my brain is above average, I am MULTITALENTED! (This is not horn tooting, It’s an affirmation 😝 )
Yet, I under utilise myself.
See, talent is really where it’s at. If you use yours, not only do you benefit but so do others.
So I vow to myself that I shall use myself for the good of myself and that of others.
Also, get you friends that listen to all your banter and still point you in the right direction. they are what life is about and are a true manifestation of your own soul and God.
Also, Happy Birthday Doctor. Life is worthwhile with you in it.